Almost love story

I met someone new.

I finally felt close to happiness again. I actually forgot about you for a while. I just felt the music and moved with it, leaving my head so wonderfully empty. I screamed the lyrics on the top of my lungs and danced through the night. I felt free. I felt like I belonged in the crowd. To the music. I didn't think of you.
And I felt a litttle bit of hope in someone's shy smile that kept on growing bigger. In someone's blushing cheeks I found joy. In someone's shimmering eyes I found relief.

But like always when the music stops, the darkness returns. It settles in my chest and makes it hard to breathe..

I met someone new.

A guy I know is crazy for me. A guy that would do anything to make it happen. A guy ready to try.
But I am having a hard time giving him a chance. I do like him. He is all adorable and he has a cute smile, he's been so sweet. He believes in us.
But he is not you.

My friends say I should let you go. I can't. I need to see you. I need to talk to you.
I've been resisting getting over you. I'm scared of letting this go. I'm scared of regretting. I'm scared of not feeling that way again.
But I know I will have to.
I don't have a choice.

You texted me on Christmas and for a minute I believed in miracles.
You told me it hurts. You told me you cried.
But I still don't know what is on your mind. What do you wish for. What would be a miracle you'd want. Do you still want to leave? Without me? Will I ever be enough? Are you taking care of your heart that way? Or do you think you're saving mine? You aren't. You are killing it.
How am I supposed to get over you.
I wanted a new beginning. I wanted next year to be different. To be good.
But for that I need a closure.
I wanna talk to you.

But fuck that.
I wanna kiss you.
Even if it's for the last time.


(It was the best almost-love story. So why didn't it work?
Because he got scared and you finally tried.)

Update: after telling me you can't give yourself to anyone, you found someone. it's been a month. In a month you changed. Your feelings for me disappeared and now you're ready to love. Now you made her your everything.
 I'm sorry I'm having a hard time believing that. Believing anything you have said.
Maybe I was just a game. A stupid girl that tried. Someone who was willing to love all of you.
And I'm sorry for loving you. I'm sorry for showing you that. I'm sorry for breaking my own heart, convincing myself you'd change your mind. Believing that the future will bring us together. Hoping.

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